What I Recently Wrote to Whataburger

Dear Whataburger,

Please stop assuming all customers that are paying for their meal with cash are using counterfeit bills. Recently I purchased a Sausage Bob (breakfast on a bun) and handed the cashier a $5 bill. The cashier then checked the bill for authenticity using one of those counterfeit markers.

I have an issue with assuming that all customers that pay cash are guilty until proven innocent. After all, I don't force you to allow me to watch you make my meal from scratch after hearing horror stories of what is done to fast food while the customer is not watching. I trust that your minimum wage workers are not spitting, urinating, or placing some other type of bodily fluid into my mayonnaise.

I trust you haven't placed any mad cow meat into my food that will cause my life to end in a very painful and early manner. I trust that your employees have washed their hands, thoroughly, after dropping the deuce in the restroom.

I trust all those negative things blindly without verification, even though I have heard of other fast food chains having any and all of the above listed problems. I put my life in your hands assuming you're not feeding me tainted meat or vegetables that have salmonella, the least you can do is trust that the $5 I gave you is in fact, real.

How much money, barring over inflated statistics that certain interested parties would like you to believe, is lost daily on people paying $5 for a bob? Do you have one a day at all your locations? Since soda costs .04 - .10 a cup , charging $1.99, filling the cup with ice, and giving me less than 12 ounces of soda, you could easily cover the costs of the $5 your out on the counterfeit money. 12 ounces of soda is the same amount in a can. This makes ordering a "12 pack" from Whataburger cost almost $24. Who's the criminal here?

When you find out the bill is phony, do you call the police on the unsuspecting customer? Do you give it back to him and tell him it is fake? Does this result in the customer peeling out before the fuzz can arrive? Do you keep it and say he needs to pay another way (which goes back to him trusting your saying the money if fake and not pocketing it yourself)? Do you pull a gun on him and perform a citizen's arrest, again assuming he is guilty?

I have decided to start bringing my own counterfeit pen to verifying the change you give me the next time I visit. After all, with so many potential criminals frequenting your establishment, one can never be too careful.

Sincerely,
Name Withheld