Living Life or Just Going Through the Motions

After some more drama which is part of my daily life anymore, I started thinking about some fundamental questions.  The questions ranged greatly about kids, work, purpose, and the point of it all.

All these questions arose to one big one that I was surprised to answer myself.

"If you could control your own demise, and know for certain that everything were to be okay, kids would be taken care of, your spouse would stop grieving soon and move on with their life, your parent(s) wouldn't morn you very long,  all bills and issues would be paid off and taken care of, would you continue living?"

It's a difficult question to be sure.  One that can't obviously be answered properly because you can't know for certain that everyone would be okay.  But behind the literal interpretation is a deeper one.  If you could push the eject button on your life, and know for certain that everything would be okay, would you push it?  

Maybe you believe in reincarnation and you will just come back as something or someone else.  Maybe you are a traditional believer, this would get you into heaven much faster, and everyone is okay that you leave behind, so why not?   You have to go eventually, so why not at a moment of your choosing?

My personal answer to this was met with resistance in my mind.  Like two wrestlers in a cage match, the two extremes tossed and turned about, each side gaining the upper hand at various points.

The first round went like this -
You would stop working. No commute, people blaring their horns at you, riding your bumper, traffic jams, car wrecks, random freeway shutdowns.  No overbearing bosses, tight deadlines, worrying about keeping your job, or just plain working at a job that in the grand scheme of things means absolutely nothing.  Make no mistake, most jobs fall into this category.   Just ask all those innovative people that did a bunch of stuff that you can't name in the 40's and 50's.  Their life's work you can't even remember and the world has moved on since.  The importance of what they thought was so important literally has no meaning less than 60 years later.  Their impact on the world has been snuffed out and is lost forever, meaningless.  The vast majority of people don't choose to work, they have to work.  Being dead, you are done working.

I had a tough time coming up with a solid positive for working in this way.   In the end none of what I do will ever be remembered longer than 25 years, most of the time much less than that.

Second round was about kids -
Kids seem like this great idea.  They are a way to carry on your memory, and are your chance to shape a human being into this world the way it should be.  They are joyous and fun to be around.  Looking through the eyes of a child and how they see the world is so incredible.

The problem with this concept is it isn't true.  I always felt my kids had a golden age where they loved me dearly, helped around the house, were grateful for the things I did for them, said please and thank you, didn't fuss much, and were generally just a joy to be around.  When they arrive baby's cant do a damn thing.  Changing shit, being shit and peed on, waking up every 2 hours while trying to catch enough sleep to function enough to not lose your job (and insurance) the next day, no sex with your partner for months because they just aren't ready, baby blues, and much more make that first 9 months pretty fucking awful.

After that kids start moving around requiring constant supervision.  They could fall into a pool, walk out into the street, put a fork in a light socket, get into the Drano under the sink, choke to death while they feed themselves (you have to watch the entire time they eat), they literally have no freaking clue what the hell they are doing.  Your job is to keep them safe and teach them not to put their hand on the stove while you are cooking dinner, less they burn themselves.

At 3 they think they pretty much got it, and will let you know every chance they get.  Defiant, loud, pissy, combative, whiny, and more, they are extremely difficult to be around.  Some parents don't even bother going out to eat because junior is just too stressful to take along.  Imagine that you are doing all the work items above, and you can't even enjoy a meal out because of your kid's attitude.

Then the kids get a lot better.   From about 4-10 things are just so amazing.  Your kid learns to read, loses teeth, believes in Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny, helps you around the house, cares if you had a bad day or not, falls asleep in your arms, begs you to do things with them, and makes you feel like you are awesome.  If kid's attitudes stayed the same at this age for the rest of their lives the world would be a magnificent place.  Imagine a teenager that you paid for their car volunteering to vacuum the house, do the dishes, wants to go to the movies with you, and much more.

Instead, that's not what happens.  It does feel like it is overnight, but probably it is not.   From my perspective one day you become nothing more than a servant to a creature whose demands can never be met and satisfied to their liking.   There will be no help.  Further, the teenage child will make your house a disaster with the expectation that you will clean it up.  It's your house after all, they just live there.  You will constantly fight about a huge variety of topics which you will never win.  They could be  about grades, money, behavior, and hygiene.  Teenagers love to smell like shit, then cover it up with gallons of perfume rather than shower.  This only happens when someone is going to be around them whose opinion matters, which in case you are wondering, is not you.

When you finally do get kid free time it always is stressful.  The guest bathroom generally is covered in hair, make up, dozens of hair bands, half spit out toothpaste, clothes on the floor, and much more.  Generally the bathroom will be out of toilet paper.  As a final touch, the trash can next to the toilet will be filled with maxi pads and tampons.  All of this makes your adult friends not want to come over.

So on top of arranging to have your good for nothing kid go somewhere so you can finally be an adult for two hours (and paying your teenager money so they can get out of your hair for awhile), they leave every surface they touch a complete disaster.  Smelly shoes will be everywhere.  Wet towels will be on the carpet (hey you can dry that mold out anytime, servant)., every wrapper that the teenager ate out of will be in a variety of locations through out the entire house.  You'll spend time frantically cleaning up your pig sty of a house, stressing yourself out and really not in the mood to entertain.   Your food is late because your house needed cleaning.   Your teenager knew that you weren't going to make them clean it, what were you going to do?  Tell them they are grounded and keep them in the house while you try to have some adult time?   That's right, teenagers one special gift is the amazing ability to jerk you over at every angle.

The late teenage years get even better, and much more expensive.  Phones, cars, insurance, prom, fund raisers, extra curricular activities, boyfriends / girlfriends, college, car wrecks and tickets, and much more.   By the time they are off the family payroll, you have spent 20+ years spending a crap load of money on this one human being.  I read an article that said it is just over a quarter million dollars to raise one kid.  That's before college, weddings, and honeymoons.

After all of this, your child just might move to the other side of the world, where you will see them at most once a year.   Everything you did could more often than not result in a human being who doesn't really love you nearly as much as you love them.  In fact, some might even cringe at the thought of spending more than a half a day with you.  Kids most likely wont want to be around you very often when they become adults.  Did you go hang with mom and dad everyday until they did?  Of course not.

Let's take the word child / teenager out fort a second.  Replace these words with "dead beat, abusive, moody, husband."    That seem unfair?   Examine what you get out of the child versus a dead beat husband who you footed his bill his entire life.

The two real differences are first off, as an adult child might take care of you when you get older or frail.  This is highly unlikely though given how many people are just too busy to take care of their parents, leaving them to minimum wage workers in nursing homes where they are raped and abused.

The second difference is they might give you grandkids that you can spoil.  But again, these grand kids will be seen once in a blue moon.   Either that, or your teenager could decide that they are better off living with you all together and ditch the kids with you.  Leaving you to repeat the process above while you are trying to figure out how to spend your last few years of healthy life that your kid just sucked out of you.  Thanks kid!

The logic of why it sucks to be living was overwhelming.  The rewards of seeing a kid twice a week at best, and once a year or less at worst, seemed not worthy of any effort.  The "joy" of working and what it does to us, and more.

So far the winner was absolutely press that eject button now.   Living sucks. 

I'll write about other arguments about this concept later.  For now, I have to attend to getting my kids in bed and doing some extra work tonight so I can be ready in the morning to get the kids up, make breakfast, take them to school, and then go to work ready to do a great job.